ACT I SCENE I. Windsor. Before PAGE's house.
Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS
SHALLOW
Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a
Star- chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir
John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow,
esquire.
SLENDER
In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace
and 'Coram.'
SHALLOW
Ay, cousin Slender, and
'Custalourum.
SLENDER
Ay, and 'Rato-lorum' too; and a gentleman
born, master parson; who writes himself 'Armigero,' in
any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation,
'Armigero.'
SHALLOW
Ay, that I do; and have done any time these
three hundred years.
SLENDER
All his successors gone before him hath done't;
and all his ancestors that come after him may: they
may give the dozen white luces in their
coat.
SHALLOW
It is an old coat.
SIR HUGH EVANS
The dozen white louses do become an old coat
well; it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast
to man, and signifies love.
SHALLOW
The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old
coat.
SLENDER
I may quarter, coz.
SHALLOW
You may, by marrying.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is marring indeed, if he quarter
it.
SHALLOW
Not a whit.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Yes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your
coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in
my simple conjectures: but that is all one. If
Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements
unto you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do
my benevolence to make atonements and
compremises between you.
SHALLOW
The council shall bear it; it is a
riot.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is
no fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you,
shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear
a riot; take your vizaments in
that.
SHALLOW
Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the
sword should end it.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is petter that friends is the sword, and end
it: and there is also another device in my prain,
which peradventure prings goot discretions with it:
there is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master
Thomas Page, which is pretty
virginity.
SLENDER
Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and
speaks small like a woman.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is that fery person for all the orld, as just
as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of
moneys, and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon
his death's-bed--Got deliver to a joyful
resurrections! --give, when she is able to overtake
seventeen years old: it were a goot motion if we leave
our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between
Master Abraham and Mistress Anne
Page.
SLENDER
Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred
pound?
SIR HUGH EVANS
Ay, and her father is make her a petter
penny.
SLENDER
I know the young gentlewoman; she has good
gifts.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot
gifts.
SHALLOW
Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff
there?
SIR HUGH EVANS
Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I
do despise one that is false, or as I despise one
that is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and,
I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I
will peat the door for Master Page.
Knocks What, hoa! Got pless your house
here!
PAGE
[Within] Who's there?
Enter PAGE
SIR HUGH EVANS
Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and
Justice Shallow; and here young Master Slender,
that peradventures shall tell you another tale,
if matters grow to your likings.
PAGE
I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW
Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do
it your good heart! I wished your venison better;
it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?--and
I thank you always with my heart, la! with my
heart.
PAGE
Sir, I thank you.
SHALLOW
Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I
do.
PAGE
I am glad to see you, good Master
Slender.
SLENDER
How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say
he was outrun on Cotsall.
PAGE
It could not be judged, sir.
SLENDER
You'll not confess, you'll not
confess.
SHALLOW
That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your
fault; 'tis a good dog.
PAGE
A cur, sir.
SHALLOW
Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog: can there
be more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?
PAGE
Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a
good office between you.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is spoke as a Christians ought to
speak.
SHALLOW
He hath wronged me, Master
Page.
PAGE
Sir, he doth in some sort confess
it.
SHALLOW
If it be confessed, it is not redress'd: is not
that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed
he hath, at a word, he hath, believe me:
Robert Shallow, esquire, saith, he is
wronged.
PAGE
Here comes Sir John.
Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL
FALSTAFF
Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the
king?
SHALLOW
Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer,
and broke open my lodge.
FALSTAFF
But not kissed your keeper's
daughter?
SHALLOW
Tut, a pin! this shall be
answered.
FALSTAFF
I will answer it straight; I have done all
this. That is now answered.
SHALLOW
The council shall know this.
FALSTAFF
'Twere better for you if it were known in
counsel: you'll be laughed at.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Pauca verba, Sir John; goot
worts.
FALSTAFF
Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke
your head: what matter have you against
me?
SLENDER
Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against
you; and against your cony-catching rascals,
Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol.
BARDOLPH
You Banbury cheese!
SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter.
PISTOL
How now, Mephostophilus!
SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter.
NYM
Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that's my
humour.
SLENDER
Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell,
cousin?
SIR HUGH EVANS
Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There
is three umpires in this matter, as I understand;
that is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there
is myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party
is, lastly and finally, mine host of the
Garter.
PAGE
We three, to hear it and end it between
them.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my
note- book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause
with as great discreetly as we
can.
FALSTAFF
Pistol!
PISTOL
He hears with ears.
SIR HUGH EVANS
The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this,
'He hears with ear'? why, it is
affectations.
FALSTAFF
Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's
purse?
SLENDER
Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I
might never come in mine own great chamber again else,
of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two
Edward shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and
two pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these
gloves.
FALSTAFF
Is this true, Pistol?
SIR HUGH EVANS
No; it is false, if it is a
pick-purse.
PISTOL
Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master
mine, I combat challenge of this latten
bilbo. Word of denial in thy labras here! Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!
SLENDER
By these gloves, then, 'twas
he.
NYM
Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will
say 'marry trap' with you, if you run the
nuthook's humour on me; that is the very note of
it.
SLENDER
By this hat, then, he in the red face had it;
for though I cannot remember what I did when you made
me drunk, yet I am not altogether an
ass.
FALSTAFF
What say you, Scarlet and
John?
BARDOLPH
Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had
drunk himself out of his five
sentences.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance
is!
BARDOLPH
And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered;
and so conclusions passed the
careires.
SLENDER
Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis
no matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live
again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this
trick: if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that
have the fear of God, and not with drunken
knaves.
SIR HUGH EVANS
So Got udge me, that is a virtuous
mind.
FALSTAFF
You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you
hear it.
Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE,
following
PAGE
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink
within.
Exit ANNE PAGE
SLENDER
O heaven! this is Mistress Anne
Page.
PAGE
How now, Mistress Ford!
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well
met: by your leave, good mistress.
Kisses her
PAGE
Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have
a hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I
hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH
EVANS
SLENDER
I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book
of Songs and Sonnets here.
Enter SIMPLE How now, Simple! where have you
been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the
Book of Riddles about you, have
you?
SIMPLE
Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to
Alice Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a
fortnight afore Michaelmas?
SHALLOW
Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word
with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere,
a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir
Hugh here. Do you understand me?
SLENDER
Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be
so, I shall do that that is
reason.
SHALLOW
Nay, but understand me.
SLENDER
So I do, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I
will description the matter to you, if you be capacity
of it.
SLENDER
Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I
pray you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in
his country, simple though I stand
here.
SIR HUGH EVANS
But that is not the question: the question
is concerning your marriage.
SHALLOW
Ay, there's the point, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress
Anne Page.
SLENDER
Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon
any reasonable demands.
SIR HUGH EVANS
But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command
to know that of your mouth or of your lips; for
divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of
the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry
your good will to the maid?
SHALLOW
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love
her?
SLENDER
I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one
that would do reason.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must
speak possitable, if you can carry her your
desires towards her.
SHALLOW
That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry
her?
SLENDER
I will do a greater thing than that, upon
your request, cousin, in any
reason.
SHALLOW
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I
do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the
maid?
SLENDER
I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if
there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven
may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we
are married and have more occasion to know one
another; I hope, upon familiarity will grow more
contempt: but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry
her; that I am freely dissolved, and
dissolutely.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is
in the ort 'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to
our meaning, 'resolutely:' his meaning is
good.
SHALLOW
Ay, I think my cousin meant
well.
SLENDER
Ay, or else I would I might be hanged,
la!
SHALLOW
Here comes fair Mistress Anne.
Re-enter ANNE PAGE Would I were young for your
sake, Mistress Anne!
ANNE PAGE
The dinner is on the table; my father desires
your worships' company.
SHALLOW
I will wait on him, fair Mistress
Anne.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the
grace.
Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANS
ANNE PAGE
Will't please your worship to come in,
sir?
SLENDER
No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very
well.
ANNE PAGE
The dinner attends you, sir.
SLENDER
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth.
Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon
my cousin Shallow.
Exit SIMPLE A justice of peace sometimes may be
beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men
and a boy yet, till my mother be dead: but what though?
Yet I live like a poor gentleman
born.
ANNE PAGE
I may not go in without your worship: they will
not sit till you come.
SLENDER
I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much
as though I did.
ANNE PAGE
I pray you, sir, walk in.
SLENDER
I had rather walk here, I thank you. I
bruised my shin th' other day with playing at sword
and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for
a dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I
cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do
your dogs bark so? be there bears i' the
town?
ANNE PAGE
I think there are, sir; I heard them talked
of.
SLENDER
I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel
at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you
see the bear loose, are you not?
ANNE PAGE
Ay, indeed, sir.
SLENDER
That's meat and drink to me, now. I have
seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him
by the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have
so cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but
women, indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very
ill-favored rough things.
Re-enter PAGE
PAGE
Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for
you.
SLENDER
I'll eat nothing, I thank you,
sir.
PAGE
By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come,
come.
SLENDER
Nay, pray you, lead the way.
PAGE
Come on, sir.
SLENDER
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go
first.
ANNE PAGE
Not I, sir; pray you, keep
on.
SLENDER
I'll rather be unmannerly than
troublesome. You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
Exeunt
SCENE II. The same.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE
SIR HUGH EVANS
Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house
which is the way: and there dwells one Mistress
Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or his
dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer,
and his wringer.
SIMPLE
Well, sir.
SIR
HUGH EVANS
Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for
it is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance
with Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to
desire and require her to solicit your master's desires
to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you, be gone: I
will make an end of my dinner; there's pippins and
cheese to come.
Exeunt
SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN
FALSTAFF
Mine host of the Garter!
Host
What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and
wisely.
FALSTAFF
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of
my followers.
Host
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag;
trot, trot.
FALSTAFF
I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host
Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar.
I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he
shall tap: said I well, bully
Hector?
FALSTAFF
Do so, good mine host.
Host
I have spoke; let him follow.
To BARDOLPH Let me see thee froth and lime: I am
at a word; follow.
Exit
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good
trade: an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a
withered serving-man a fresh tapster. Go;
adieu.
BARDOLPH
It is a life that I have desired: I will
thrive.
PISTOL
O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot
wield?
Exit BARDOLPH
NYM
He was gotten in drink: is not the humour
conceited?
FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox:
his thefts were too open; his filching was like
an unskilful singer; he kept not
time.
NYM
The good humour is to steal at a minute's
rest.
PISTOL
'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a
fico for the phrase!
FALSTAFF
Well, sirs, I am almost out at
heels.
PISTOL
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
FALSTAFF
There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must
shift.
PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this
town?
PISTOL
I ken the wight: he is of substance
good.
FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am
about.
PISTOL
Two yards, and more.
FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist
two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am
about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to
Ford's wife: I spy entertainment in her; she
discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of
invitation: I can construe the action of her familiar
style; and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be
Englished rightly, is, 'I am Sir John
Falstaff's.'
PISTOL
He hath studied her will, and translated her
will, out of honesty into English.
NYM
The anchor is deep: will that humour
pass?
FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of
her husband's purse: he hath a legion of
angels.
PISTOL
As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say
I.
NYM
The humour rises; it is good: humour me the
angels.
FALSTAFF
I have writ me here a letter to her: and
here another to Page's wife, who even now gave me
good eyes too, examined my parts with most
judicious oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view
gilded my foot, sometimes my portly
belly.
PISTOL
Then did the sun on dunghill
shine.
NYM
I thank thee for that humour.
FALSTAFF
O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such
a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye
did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass!
Here's another letter to her: she bears the purse too;
she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I
will be cheater to them both, and they shall
be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and
West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear
thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this
to Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will
thrive.
PISTOL
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take
all!
NYM
I will run no base humour: here, take the humour-letter: I will keep the havior of
reputation.
FALSTAFF
[To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters
tightly; Sail like my pinnace to these golden
shores. Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones,
go; Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter,
pack! Falstaff will learn the humour of the
age, French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted
page.
Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN
PISTOL
Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam
holds, And high and low beguiles the rich and
poor: Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt
lack, Base Phrygian Turk!
NYM
I have operations which be humours of
revenge.
PISTOL
Wilt thou revenge?
NYM
By welkin and her star!
PISTOL
With wit or steel?
NYM
With both the humours, I: I
will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
PISTOL
And I to Ford shall eke unfold How Falstaff, varlet vile, His dove will
prove, his gold will hold, And his soft couch
defile.
NYM
My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page
to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humour.
PISTOL
Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee;
troop on.
Exeunt
SCENE IV. A room in DOCTOR CAIUS' house.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY
MISTRESS QUICKLY
What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the
casement, and see if you can see my master, Master
Doctor Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find
any body in the house, here will be an old abusing
of God's patience and the king's
English.
RUGBY
I'll go watch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night,
in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
Exit RUGBY An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever
servant shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you,
no tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault
is, that he is given to prayer; he is something
peevish that way: but nobody but has his fault; but
let that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name
is?
SIMPLE
Ay, for fault of a better.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And Master Slender's your
master?
SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Does he not wear a great round beard, like
a glover's paring-knife?
SIMPLE
No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with
a little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured
beard.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
A softly-sprighted man, is he
not?
SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his
hands as any is between this and his head; he hath
fought with a warrener.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
How say you? O, I should remember him: does he
not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his
gait?
SIMPLE
Yes, indeed, does he.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune!
Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for
your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish--
Re-enter RUGBY
RUGBY
Out, alas! here comes my
master.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young
man; go into this closet: he will not stay long.
Shuts SIMPLE in the closet What, John Rugby! John!
what, John, I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I
doubt he be not well, that he comes not home.
Singing And down, down, adown-a, & c.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
DOCTOR
CAIUS
Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray
you, go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a
box, a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a
box.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you.
Aside I am glad he went not in himself: if he had
found the young man, he would have been
horn-mad.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud.
Je m'en vais a la cour--la grande
affaire.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Is it this, sir?
DOCTOR CAIUS
Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly.
Vere is dat knave Rugby?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
What, John Rugby! John!
RUGBY
Here, sir!
DOCTOR CAIUS
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby.
Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the
court.
RUGBY
'Tis ready, sir, here in the
porch.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me! Qu'ai-j'oublie! dere is some simples in my closet, dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave
behind.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay me, he'll find the young man here, and be
mad!
DOCTOR CAIUS
O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain!
larron!
Pulling SIMPLE out Rugby, my
rapier!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Good master, be content.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Wherefore shall I be
content-a?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
The young man is an honest
man.
DOCTOR CAIUS
What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere
is no honest man dat shall come in my
closet.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the
truth of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson
Hugh.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vell.
SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth; to desire her
to--
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Peace, I pray you.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your
tale.
SIMPLE
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid,
to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for
my master in the way of marriage.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put
my finger in the fire, and need
not.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some
paper. Tarry you a little-a while.
Writes
MISTRESS QUICKLY
[Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet: if
he had been thoroughly moved, you should have heard
him so loud and so melancholy. But
notwithstanding, man, I'll do you your master what good
I can: and the very yea and the no is, the French
doctor, my master,--I may call him my master, look you,
for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew,
bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and
do all myself,--
SIMPLE
[Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge
to come under one body's hand.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
[Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avised o' that?
you shall find it a great charge: and to be up
early and down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you
in your ear; I would have no words of it,--my
master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page:
but notwithstanding that, I know Anne's
mind,--that's neither here nor
there.
DOCTOR CAIUS
You jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh;
by gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in
dee park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape
priest to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not
good you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his
two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to
throw at his dog:
Exit SIMPLE
MISTRESS
QUICKLY
Alas, he speaks but for his
friend.
DOCTOR CAIUS
It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a
me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar,
I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed
mine host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar,
I will myself have Anne Page.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well.
We must give folks leave to prate: what, the
good-jer!
DOCTOR CAIUS
Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I
have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of
my door. Follow my heels, Rugby.
Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY
MISTRESS QUICKLY
You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No,
I know Anne's mind for that: never a woman in
Windsor knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do
more than I do with her, I thank
heaven.
FENTON
[Within] Who's within there?
ho!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray
you.
Enter FENTON
FENTON
How now, good woman? how dost
thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
The better that it pleases your good worship to
ask.
FENTON
What news? how does pretty Mistress
Anne?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest,
and gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell
you that by the way; I praise heaven for
it.
FENTON
Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not
lose my suit?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Troth, sir, all is in his hands above:
but notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on
a book, she loves you. Have not your worship a
wart above your eye?
FENTON
Yes, marry, have I; what of
that?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is
such another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as
ever broke bread: we had an hour's talk of that wart.
I shall never laugh but in that maid's company!
But indeed she is given too much to allicholy
and musing: but for you--well, go
to.
FENTON
Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's
money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf:
if thou seest her before me, commend
me.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Will I? i'faith, that we will; and I will tell
your worship more of the wart the next time we
have confidence; and of other
wooers.
FENTON
Well, farewell; I am in great haste
now.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Farewell to your worship.
Exit FENTON Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne
loves him not; for I know Anne's mind as well as
another does. Out upon't! what have I forgot?
Exit
ACT II
SCENE I. Before PAGE'S house.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter
MISTRESS PAGE
What, have I scaped love-letters in the
holiday- time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for
them? Let me see.
Reads 'Ask me no reason why I love you; for
though Love use Reason for his physician, he admits
him not for his counsellor. You are not young, no
more am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are
merry, so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy:
you love sack, and so do I; would you desire
better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress
Page,--at the least, if the love of soldier can
suffice,-- that I love thee. I will not say, pity me;
'tis not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By
me, Thine own true knight, By day
or night, Or any kind of light, With all his might For thee to fight, JOHN
FALSTAFF' What a Herod of Jewry is this! O
wicked world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces
with age to show himself a young gallant! What
an unweighed behavior hath this Flemish
drunkard picked--with the devil's name!--out of
my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay
me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company!
What should I say to him? I was then frugal of
my mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a
bill in the parliament for the putting down of men.
How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will
be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
Enter MISTRESS FORD
MISTRESS
FORD
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your
house.
MISTRESS PAGE
And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look
very ill.
MISTRESS
FORD
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the
contrary.
MISTRESS PAGE
Faith, but you do, in my mind.
MISTRESS FORD
Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to
the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some
counsel!
MISTRESS PAGE
What's the matter, woman?
MISTRESS FORD
O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect,
I could come to such honour!
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What
is it? dispense with trifles; what is
it?
MISTRESS FORD
If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or
so, I could be knighted.
MISTRESS PAGE
What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These
knights will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter
the article of thy gentry.
MISTRESS FORD
We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how
I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of
fat men, as long as I have an eye to make difference
of men's liking: and yet he would not swear;
praised women's modesty; and gave such orderly
and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that
I would have sworn his disposition would have gone
to the truth of his words; but they do no more
adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm
to the tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I
trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in
his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be
revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain
him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have
melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the
like?
MISTRESS PAGE
Letter for letter, but that the name of Page
and Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this
mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of
thy letter: but let thine inherit first; for,
I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath
a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space
for different names--sure, more,--and these are of
the second edition: he will print them, out of
doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press,
when he would put us two. I had rather be a
giantess, and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find
you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste
man.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the
very words. What doth he think of
us?
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready
to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll
entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted
withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me,
that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me
in this fury.
MISTRESS FORD
'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep
him above deck.
MISTRESS PAGE
So will I if he come under my hatches, I'll
never to sea again. Let's be revenged on him:
let's appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort
in his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited
delay, till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of
the Garter.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, I will consent to act any villany against
him, that may not sully the chariness of our honesty.
O, that my husband saw this letter! it would
give eternal food to his jealousy.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why, look where he comes; and my good man too:
he's as far from jealousy as I am from giving him
cause; and that I hope is an unmeasurable
distance.
MISTRESS FORD
You are the happier woman.
MISTRESS PAGE
Let's consult together against this greasy
knight. Come hither.
They retire
Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM
FORD
Well, I hope it be not so.
PISTOL
Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs: Sir John affects thy wife.
FORD
Why, sir, my wife is not
young.
PISTOL
He wooes both high and low, both rich and
poor, Both young and old, one with another,
Ford; He loves the gallimaufry: Ford,
perpend.
FORD
Love my wife!
PISTOL
With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go
thou, Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy
heels: O, odious is the name!
FORD
What name, sir?
PISTOL
The horn, I say. Farewell. Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night: Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing. Away, Sir Corporal Nym! Believe it, Page;
he speaks sense.
Exit
FORD
[Aside] I will be patient; I will find out
this.
NYM
[To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the
humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours:
I should have borne the humoured letter to her; but
I have a sword and it shall bite upon my
necessity. He loves your wife; there's the short and
the long. My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I
avouch; 'tis true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves
your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and
cheese, and there's the humour of it. Adieu.
Exit
PAGE
'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a
fellow frights English out of his
wits.
FORD
I will seek out Falstaff.
PAGE
I never heard such a drawling, affecting
rogue.
FORD
If I do find it: well.
PAGE
I will not believe such a Cataian, though the
priest o' the town commended him for a true
man.
FORD
'Twas a good sensible fellow:
well.
PAGE
How now, Meg!
MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward
MISTRESS PAGE
Whither go you, George? Hark
you.
MISTRESS FORD
How now, sweet Frank! why art thou
melancholy?
FORD
I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home,
go.
MISTRESS FORD
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head.
Now, will you go, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
Have with you. You'll come to dinner,
George.
Aside to MISTRESS FORD Look who comes yonder: she
shall be our messenger to this paltry
knight.
MISTRESS FORD
[Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on
her: she'll fit it.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
MISTRESS
PAGE
You are come to see my daughter
Anne?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress
Anne?
MISTRESS PAGE
Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk
with you.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS
QUICKLY
PAGE
How now, Master Ford!
FORD
You heard what this knave told me, did you
not?
PAGE
Yes: and you heard what the other told
me?
FORD
Do you think there is truth in
them?
PAGE
Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight
would offer it: but these that accuse him in his
intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded
men; very rogues, now they be out of
service.
FORD
Were they his men?
PAGE
Marry, were they.
FORD
I like it never the better for that. Does he lie
at the Garter?
PAGE
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this
voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him;
and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let
it lie on my head.
FORD
I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath
to turn them together. A man may be too confident:
I would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus
satisfied.
PAGE
Look where my ranting host of the Garter
comes: there is either liquor in his pate or money in
his purse when he looks so merrily.
Enter Host How now, mine
host!
Host
How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a
gentleman. Cavaleiro-justice, I say!
Enter SHALLOW
SHALLOW
I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even
and twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you
go with us? we have sport in hand.
Host
Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him,
bully-rook.
SHALLOW
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir
Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French
doctor.
FORD
Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with
you.
Drawing him aside
Host
What sayest thou, my
bully-rook?
SHALLOW
[To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it?
My merry host hath had the measuring of their
weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them contrary
places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no
jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall
be.
They converse apart
Host
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaleire?
FORD
None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle
of burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell
him my name is Brook; only for a
jest.
Host
My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and
regress; --said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook.
It is a merry knight. Will you go,
An-heires?
SHALLOW
Have with you, mine host.
PAGE
I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill
in his rapier.
SHALLOW
Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these
times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes,
and I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page;
'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my
long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip
like rats.
Host
Here, boys, here, here! shall we
wag?
PAGE
Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than
fight.
Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGE
FORD
Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so
firmly on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off
my opinion so easily: she was in his company at
Page's house; and what they made there, I know not.
Well, I will look further into't: and I have a
disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I
lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour
well bestowed.
Exit
SCENE II. A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL
FALSTAFF
I will not lend thee a penny.
PISTOL
Why, then the world's mine oyster. Which I with sword will open.
FALSTAFF
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you
should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon
my good friends for three reprieves for you and
your coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked
through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned
in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you
were good soldiers and tall fellows; and when
Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't
upon mine honour thou hadst it not.
PISTOL
Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen
pence?
FALSTAFF
Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou
I'll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no
more about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short
knife and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch!
Go. You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue!
you stand upon your honour! Why, thou
unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep
the terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you!
PISTOL
I do relent: what would thou more of man?
Enter ROBIN
ROBIN
Sir, here's a woman would speak with
you.
FALSTAFF
Let her approach.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
MISTRESS
QUICKLY
Give your worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF
Good morrow, good wife.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Not so, an't please your
worship.
FALSTAFF
Good maid, then.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I'll be sworn, As my mother
was, the first hour I was born.
FALSTAFF
I do believe the swearer. What with
me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or
two?
FALSTAFF
Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe
thee the hearing.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come
a little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with
master Doctor Caius,--
FALSTAFF
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you
say,--
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Your worship says very true: I pray your
worship, come a little nearer this
ways.
FALSTAFF
I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people,
mine own people.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Are they so? God bless them and make them his
servants!
FALSTAFF
Well, Mistress Ford; what of
her?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord!
your worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and
all of us, I pray!
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford; come, Mistress
Ford,--
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, this is the short and the long of it;
you have brought her into such a canaries as
'tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when
the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought
her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights,
and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I
warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter,
gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and
so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and
in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar
of the best and the fairest, that would have won
any woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could
never get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty
angels given me this morning; but I defy all angels,
in any such sort, as they say, but in the way
of honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never
get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest
of them all: and yet there has been earls, nay,
which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is
one with her.
FALSTAFF
But what says she to me? be brief, my
good she-Mercury.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, she hath received your letter, for the
which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives
you to notify that her husband will be absence from
his house between ten and eleven.
FALSTAFF
Ten and eleven?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see
the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master
Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the
sweet woman leads an ill life with him: he's a
very jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life
with him, good heart.
FALSTAFF
Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I
will not fail her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Why, you say well. But I have another messenger
to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too: and let me tell you in your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other: and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in
truth.
FALSTAFF
Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of
my good parts aside I have no other
charms.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Blessing on your heart for't!
FALSTAFF
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife
and Page's wife acquainted each other how they love
me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
That were a jest indeed! they have not so
little grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed!
but Mistress Page would desire you to send her
your little page, of all loves: her husband has
a marvellous infection to the little page; and
truly Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife
in Windsor leads a better life than she does: do
what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all,
go to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is
as she will: and truly she deserves it; for if
there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You
must send her your page; no
remedy.
FALSTAFF
Why, I will.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come
and go between you both; and in any case have
a nay-word, that you may know one another's mind,
and the boy never need to understand any thing;
for 'tis not good that children should know
any wickedness: old folks, you know, have
discretion, as they say, and know the
world.
FALSTAFF
Fare thee well: commend me to them both:
there's my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along
with this woman.
Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN This news
distracts me!
PISTOL
This punk is one of Cupid's carriers: Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights: Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
Exit
FALSTAFF
Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll
make more of thy old body than I have done. Will
they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the
expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body,
I thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it
be fairly done, no matter.
Enter BARDOLPH
BARDOLPH
Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would
fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and
hath sent your worship a morning's draught of
sack.
FALSTAFF
Brook is his name?
BARDOLPH
Ay, sir.
FALSTAFF
Call him in.
Exit BARDOLPH Such Brooks are welcome to me, that
o'erflow such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and
Mistress Page have I encompassed you? go to;
via!
Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised
FORD
Bless you, sir!
FALSTAFF
And you, sir! Would you speak with
me?
FORD
I make bold to press with so little preparation
upon you.
FALSTAFF
You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave,
drawer.
Exit BARDOLPH
FORD
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my
name is Brook.
FALSTAFF
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of
you.
FORD
Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge
you; for I must let you understand I think myself
in better plight for a lender than you are: the
which hath something embolden'd me to this
unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money go before,
all ways do lie open.
FALSTAFF
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will
on.
FORD
Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles
me: if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all,
or half, for easing me of the
carriage.
FALSTAFF
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your
porter.
FORD
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the
hearing.
FALSTAFF
Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to
be your servant.
FORD
Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be
brief with you,--and you have been a man long known to
me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to
make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover
a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open
mine own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you
have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them
unfolded, turn another into the register of your own;
that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith
you yourself know how easy it is to be such an
offender.
FALSTAFF
Very well, sir; proceed.
FORD
There is a gentlewoman in this town; her
husband's name is Ford.
FALSTAFF
Well, sir.
FORD
I have long loved her, and, I protest to
you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a
doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet
her; fee'd every slight occasion that could but
niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many
presents to give her, but have given largely to many to
know what she would have given; briefly, I have
pursued her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on
the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I
have merited, either in my mind or, in my means,
meed, I am sure, I have received none; unless
experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an
infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say
this: 'Love like a shadow flies when substance love
pursues; Pursuing that that flies, and flying what
pursues.'
FALSTAFF
Have you received no promise of satisfaction at
her hands?
FORD
Never.
FALSTAFF
Have you importuned her to such a
purpose?
FORD
Never.
FALSTAFF
Of what quality was your love,
then?
FORD
Like a fair house built on another man's ground;
so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the
place where I erected it.
FALSTAFF
To what purpose have you unfolded this to
me?
FORD
When I have told you that, I have told you
all. Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet
in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far
that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now,
Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are
a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many war-like, court-like, and learned
preparations.
FALSTAFF
O, sir!
FORD
Believe it, for you know it. There is money;
spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have;
only give me so much of your time in exchange of it,
as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of
this Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her
to consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon
as any.
FALSTAFF
Would it apply well to the vehemency of
your affection, that I should win what you would
enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very
preposterously.
FORD
O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely
on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of
my soul dares not present itself: she is too bright
to be looked against. Now, could I could come to
her with any detection in my hand, my desires
had instance and argument to commend themselves:
I could drive her then from the ward of her
purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a
thousand other her defences, which now are too too
strongly embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir
John?
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will first make bold with
your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am
a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's
wife.
FORD
O good sir!
FALSTAFF
I say you shall.
FORD
Want no money, Sir John; you shall want
none.
FALSTAFF
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall
want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by
her own appointment; even as you came in to me,
her assistant or go-between parted from me: I say
I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for
at that time the jealous rascally knave her
husband will be forth. Come you to me at night; you
shall know how I speed.
FORD
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know
Ford, sir?
FALSTAFF
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him
not: yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say
the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for
the which his wife seems to me well-favored. I
will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's
coffer; and there's my
harvest-home.
FORD
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid
him if you saw him.
FALSTAFF
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I
will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with
my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er
the cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know
I will predominate over the peasant, and thou
shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at
night. Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his
style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave
and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
Exit
FORD
What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart
is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this
is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him;
the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any
man have thought this? See the hell of having a
false woman! My bed shall be abused, my
coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall
not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand
under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him
that does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon
sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they
are devils' additions, the names of fiends:
but Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself
hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass:
he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I
will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson
Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with
my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my
ambling gelding, than my wife with herself; then she
plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what
they think in their hearts they may effect, they
will break their hearts but they will effect. God
be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the
hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged
on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about
it; better three hours too soon than a minute too
late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
Exit
SCENE III. A field near Windsor.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY
DOCTOR CAIUS
Jack Rugby!
RUGBY
Sir?
DOCTOR
CAIUS
Vat is de clock, Jack?
RUGBY
'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to
meet.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come;
he has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by
gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be
come.
RUGBY
He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would
kill him, if he came.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill
him. Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill
kill him.
RUGBY
Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Villany, take your rapier.
RUGBY
Forbear; here's company.
Enter Host, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE
Host
Bless thee, bully doctor!
SHALLOW
Save you, Master Doctor Caius!
PAGE
Now, good master doctor!
SLENDER
Give you good morrow, sir.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come
for?
Host
To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see
thee traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there;
to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse,
thy distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian?
is he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says
my AEsculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha!
is he dead, bully stale? is he
dead?
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld;
he is not show his face.
Host
Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece,
my boy!
DOCTOR CAIUS
I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six
or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no
come.
SHALLOW
He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer
of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you
should fight, you go against the hair of your
professions. Is it not true, Master
Page?
PAGE
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a
great fighter, though now a man of
peace.
SHALLOW
Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and
of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches
to make one. Though we are justices and doctors
and churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of
our youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master
Page.
PAGE
'Tis true, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW
It will be found so, Master Page. Master
Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn
of the peace: you have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, master
doctor.
Host
Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur
Mockwater.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Mock-vater! vat is dat?
Host
Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour,
bully.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as
de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar,
me vill cut his ears.
Host
He will clapper-claw thee tightly,
bully.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?
Host
That is, he will make thee
amends.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw
me; for, by gar, me vill have it.
Host
And I will provoke him to't, or let him
wag.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Me tank you for dat.
Host
And, moreover, bully,--but first, master guest,
and Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go
you through the town to Frogmore.
Aside to them
PAGE
Sir Hugh is there, is he?
Host
He is there: see what humour he is in; and I
will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do
well?
SHALLOW
We will do it.
PAGE SHALLOW SLENDER
Adieu, good master doctor.
Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for
a jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
Host
Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw
cold water on thy choler: go about the fields with
me through Frogmore: I will bring thee where
Mistress Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and
thou shalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I
well?
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love
you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de
earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my
patients.
Host
For the which I will be thy adversary toward
Anne Page. Said I well?
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, 'tis good; vell said.
Host
Let us wag, then.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
Exeunt
ACT III
SCENE I. A field near Frogmore.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE
SIR HUGH EVANS
I pray you now, good master Slender's
serving-man, and friend Simple by your name, which way
have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself
doctor of physic?
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward,
every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the
town way.
SIR HUGH
EVANS
I most fehemently desire you you will also look
that way.
SIMPLE
I will, sir.
Exit
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am,
and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he
have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will
knog his urinals about his knave's costard when I
have good opportunities for the ork. 'Pless my
soul!
Sings To shallow rivers, to whose falls Melodious birds sings madrigals; There will
we make our peds of roses, And a thousand fragrant
posies. To shallow-- Mercy on me!
I have a great dispositions to cry.
Sings Melodious birds sing madrigals-- When as I sat in Pabylon-- And a thousand
vagram posies. To shallow & c.
Re-enter SIMPLE
SIMPLE
Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir
Hugh.
SIR HUGH EVANS
He's welcome.
Sings To shallow rivers, to whose falls- Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
SIMPLE
No weapons, sir. There comes my master,
Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore,
over the stile, this way.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your
arms.
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
SHALLOW
How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir
Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good
student from his book, and it is
wonderful.
SLENDER
[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!
PAGE
'Save you, good Sir Hugh!
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of
you!
SHALLOW
What, the sword and the word! do you study
them both, master parson?
PAGE
And youthful still! in your doublet and hose
this raw rheumatic day!
SIR HUGH EVANS
There is reasons and causes for
it.
PAGE
We are come to you to do a good office, master
parson.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Fery well: what is it?
PAGE
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who,
belike having received wrong by some person, is at
most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever
you saw.
SHALLOW
I have lived fourscore years and upward; I
never heard a man of his place, gravity and learning,
so wide of his own respect.
SIR HUGH EVANS
What is he?
PAGE
I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius,
the renowned French physician.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had
as lief you would tell me of a mess of
porridge.
PAGE
Why?
SIR HUGH
EVANS
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and
Galen, --and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as
you would desires to be acquainted
withal.
PAGE
I warrant you, he's the man should fight with
him.
SHALLOW
[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!
SHALLOW
It appears so by his weapons. Keep them
asunder: here comes Doctor Caius.
Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY
PAGE
Nay, good master parson, keep in your
weapon.
SHALLOW
So do you, good master doctor.
Host
Disarm them, and let them question: let them
keep their limbs whole and hack our
English.
DOCTOR CAIUS
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your
ear. Vherefore vill you not meet-a
me?
SIR HUGH EVANS
[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you, use your
patience: in good time.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John
ape.
SIR HUGH EVANS
[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not
be laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire
you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you
amends.
Aloud I will knog your urinals about your knave's
cockscomb for missing your meetings and
appointments.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Diable! Jack Rugby,--mine host de Jarteer,--have
I not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de
place I did appoint?
SIR HUGH EVANS
As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is
the place appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host
of the Garter.
Host
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and
Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer!
DOCTOR CAIUS
Ay, dat is very good;
excellent.
Host
Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am
I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall
I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and
the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my
Sir Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow.
SHALLOW
Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen,
follow.
SLENDER
[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!
Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host
DOCTOR CAIUS
Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot
of us, ha, ha?
SIR HUGH EVANS
This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog.
I desire you that we may be friends; and let us
knog our prains together to be revenge on this
same scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the
Garter.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring
me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me
too.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you,
follow.
Exeunt
SCENE II. A street.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont
to be a follower, but now you are a leader.
Whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your
master's heels?
ROBIN
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a
man than follow him like a dwarf.
MISTRESS PAGE
O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a
courtier.
Enter FORD
FORD
Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go
you?
MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at
home?
FORD
Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for
want of company. I think, if your husbands were
dead, you two would marry.
MISTRESS PAGE
Be sure of that,--two other
husbands.
FORD
Where had you this pretty
weather-cock?
MISTRESS PAGE
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is
my husband had him of. What do you call your
knight's name, sirrah?
ROBIN
Sir John Falstaff.
FORD
Sir John Falstaff!
MISTRESS PAGE
He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such
a league between my good man and he! Is your wife
at home indeed?
FORD
Indeed she is.
MISTRESS PAGE
By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see
her.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN
FORD
Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he
any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of
them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile,
as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank
twelve score. He pieces out his wife's inclination;
he gives her folly motion and advantage: and now
she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her.
A man may hear this shower sing in the wind.
And Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are
laid; and our revolted wives share damnation
together. Well; I will take him, then torture my wife,
pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so
seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure
and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings
all my neighbours shall cry aim.
Clock heard The clock gives me my cue, and my
assurance bids me search: there I shall find Falstaff: I
shall be rather praised for this than mocked; for it is
as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff
is there: I will go.
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host, SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and
RUGBY
SHALLOW PAGE & C
Well met, Master Ford.
FORD
Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at
home; and I pray you all go with
me.
SHALLOW
I must excuse myself, Master
Ford.
SLENDER
And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine
with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her
for more money than I'll speak of.
SHALLOW
We have lingered about a match between Anne Page
and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our
answer.
SLENDER
I hope I have your good will, father
Page.
PAGE
You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for
you: but my wife, master doctor, is for you
altogether.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my
nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.
Host
What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers,
he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses,
he speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he
will carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons;
he will carry't.
PAGE
Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman
is of no having: he kept company with the wild
prince and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows
too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his
fortunes with the finger of my substance: if he take
her, let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits
on my consent, and my consent goes not that
way.
FORD
I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with
me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall
have sport; I will show you a monster. Master
doctor, you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and
you, Sir Hugh.
SHALLOW
Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer
wooing at Master Page's.
Exeunt SHALLOW, and SLENDER
DOCTOR
CAIUS
Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
Exit RUGBY
Host
Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest
knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
Exit
FORD
[Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe wine
first with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go,
gentles?
All
Have with you to see this monster.
Exeunt
SCENE III. A room in FORD'S house.
Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE
MISTRESS FORD
What, John! What, Robert!
MISTRESS PAGE
Quickly, quickly! is the
buck-basket--
MISTRESS FORD
I warrant. What, Robin, I say!
Enter Servants with a basket
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, come, come.
MISTRESS FORD
Here, set it down.
MISTRESS PAGE
Give your men the charge; we must be
brief.
MISTRESS FORD
Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert,
be ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when
I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any
pause or staggering take this basket on your
shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and
carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and
there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames
side.
MISTRESS PAGE
You will do it?
MISTRESS FORD
I ha' told them over and over; they lack
no direction. Be gone, and come when you are
called.
Exeunt Servants
MISTRESS
PAGE
Here comes little Robin.
Enter ROBIN
MISTRESS FORD
How now, my eyas-musket! what news with
you?
ROBIN
My master, Sir John, is come in at your
back-door, Mistress Ford, and requests your
company.
MISTRESS PAGE
You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to
us?
ROBIN
Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of
your being here and hath threatened to put me
into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for
he swears he'll turn me away.
MISTRESS PAGE
Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall
be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new
doublet and hose. I'll go hide me.
MISTRESS FORD
Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.
Exit ROBIN Mistress Page, remember you your
cue.
MISTRESS PAGE
I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss
me.
Exit
MISTRESS FORD
Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome
humidity, this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to
know turtles from jays.
Enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF
Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now
let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is
the period of my ambition: O this blessed
hour!
MISTRESS FORD
O sweet Sir John!
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot
prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I
would thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before
the best lord; I would make thee my
lady.
MISTRESS FORD
I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful
lady!
FALSTAFF
Let the court of France show me such another. I
see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou
hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes
the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire
of Venetian admittance.
MISTRESS FORD
A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become
nothing else; nor that well
neither.
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so:
thou wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the
firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent
motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I
see what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not,
Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide
it.
MISTRESS FORD
Believe me, there is no such thing in
me.
FALSTAFF
What made me love thee? let that persuade
thee there's something extraordinary in thee. Come,
I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like
a many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come
like women in men's apparel, and smell like
Bucklersbury in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee;
none but thee; and thou deservest
it.
MISTRESS FORD
Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress
Page.
FALSTAFF
Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by
the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the
reek of a lime-kiln.
MISTRESS FORD
Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall
one day find it.
FALSTAFF
Keep in that mind; I'll deserve
it.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could
not be in that mind.
ROBIN
[Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford!
here's Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing
and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you
presently.
FALSTAFF
She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the
arras.
MISTRESS FORD
Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling
woman.
FALSTAFF hides himself
Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN What's the
matter? how now!
MISTRESS PAGE
O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're
shamed, you're overthrown, you're undone for
ever!
MISTRESS FORD
What's the matter, good Mistress
Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest
man to your husband, to give him such cause of
suspicion!
MISTRESS FORD
What cause of suspicion?
MISTRESS PAGE
What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am
I mistook in you!
MISTRESS FORD
Why, alas, what's the matter?
MISTRESS PAGE
Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all
the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman
that he says is here now in the house by your consent,
to take an ill advantage of his assence: you are
undone.
MISTRESS FORD
'Tis not so, I hope.
MISTRESS PAGE
Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a
man here! but 'tis most certain your husband's
coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for
such a one. I come before to tell you. If you
know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if
you have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be
not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend
your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for
ever.
MISTRESS FORD
What shall I do? There is a gentleman my
dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as
his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he
were out of the house.
MISTRESS PAGE
For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and
'you had rather:' your husband's here at hand,
bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you
cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look,
here is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature,
he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him,
as if it were going to bucking: or--it is
whiting-time --send him by your two men to
Datchet-mead.
MISTRESS FORD
He's too big to go in there. What shall I
do?
FALSTAFF
[Coming forward] Let me see't, let me see't, O,
let me see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your
friend's counsel. I'll in.
MISTRESS PAGE
What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters,
knight?
FALSTAFF
I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in
here. I'll never--
Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul
linen
MISTRESS PAGE
Help to cover your master, boy. Call your
men, Mistress Ford. You dissembling
knight!
MISTRESS FORD
What, John! Robert! John!
Exit ROBIN
Re-enter Servants Go take up these clothes here
quickly. Where's the cowl-staff? look, how you drumble!
Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly,
come.
Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
FORD
Pray you, come near: if I suspect without
cause, why then make sport at me; then let me be your
jest; I deserve it. How now! whither bear you
this?
Servant
To the laundress, forsooth.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, what have you to do whither they bear it?
You were best meddle with
buck-washing.
FORD
Buck! I would I could wash myself of the
buck! Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you,
buck; and of the season too, it shall appear.
Exeunt Servants with the basket Gentlemen, I have
dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my dream. Here, here,
here be my keys: ascend my chambers; search, seek, find
out: I'll warrant we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop
this way first.
Locking the door So, now
uncape.
PAGE
Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself
too much.
FORD
True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall
see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.
Exit
SIR HUGH EVANS
This is fery fantastical humours and
jealousies.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is
not jealous in France.
PAGE
Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his
search.
Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
MISTRESS PAGE
Is there not a double excellency in
this?
MISTRESS FORD
I know not which pleases me better, that my
husband is deceived, or Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE
What a taking was he in when your husband asked
who was in the basket!
MISTRESS FORD
I am half afraid he will have need of washing;
so throwing him into the water will do him a
benefit.
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the
same strain were in the same
distress.
MISTRESS FORD
I think my husband hath some special suspicion
of Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so
gross in his jealousy till now.
MISTRESS PAGE
I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet
have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease
will scarce obey this medicine.
MISTRESS FORD
Shall we send that foolish carrion,
Mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into
the water; and give him another hope, to betray him
to another punishment?
MISTRESS PAGE
We will do it: let him be sent for
to-morrow, eight o'clock, to have amends.
Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH
EVANS
FORD
I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of
that he could not compass.
MISTRESS PAGE
[Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Heard you
that?
MISTRESS FORD
You use me well, Master Ford, do
you?
FORD
Ay, I do so.
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven make you better than your
thoughts!
FORD
Amen!
MISTRESS PAGE
You do yourself mighty wrong, Master
Ford.
FORD
Ay, ay; I must bear it.
SIR HUGH EVANS
If there be any pody in the house, and in
the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the
presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of
judgment!
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, nor I too: there is no
bodies.
PAGE
Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed?
What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination?
I would not ha' your distemper in this kind for
the wealth of Windsor Castle.
FORD
'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for
it.
SIR HUGH EVANS
You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is
as honest a 'omans as I will desires among
five thousand, and five hundred
too.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, I see 'tis an honest
woman.
FORD
Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk
in the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will
hereafter make known to you why I have done this.
Come, wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon
me; pray heartily, pardon me.
PAGE
Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll
mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my
house to breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together;
I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be
so?
FORD
Any thing.
SIR HUGH EVANS
If there is one, I shall make two in the
company.
DOCTOR CAIUS
If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the
turd.
FORD
Pray you, go, Master Page.
SIR HUGH EVANS
I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the
lousy knave, mine host.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Dat is good; by gar, with all my
heart!
SIR HUGH EVANS
A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his
mockeries!
Exeunt
SCENE IV. A room in PAGE'S house.
Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE
FENTON
I see I cannot get thy father's love; Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
ANNE PAGE
Alas, how then?
FENTON
Why, thou must be thyself. He
doth object I am too great of birth--, And that, my state
being gall'd with my expense, I seek to heal it only by
his wealth: Besides these, other bars he lays before
me, My riots past, my wild societies; And tells me 'tis a thing impossible I
should love thee but as a property.
ANNE
PAGE
May be he tells you true.
FENTON
No, heaven so speed me in my time to
come! Albeit I will confess thy father's
wealth Was the first motive that I woo'd thee,
Anne: Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more
value Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed
bags; And 'tis the very riches of thyself That now I aim at.
ANNE
PAGE
Gentle Master Fenton, Yet
seek my father's love; still seek it, sir: If
opportunity and humblest suit Cannot attain it, why,
then,--hark you hither!
They converse apart
Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY
SHALLOW
Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman
shall speak for himself.
SLENDER
I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'slid, 'tis
but venturing.
SHALLOW
Be not dismayed.
SLENDER
No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for
that, but that I am afeard.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Hark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with
you.
ANNE PAGE
I come to him.
Aside This is my father's choice. O, what a world of vile ill-favor'd faults Looks handsome in three hundred pounds
a-year!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word
with you.
SHALLOW
She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a
father!
SLENDER
I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell
you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell
Mistress Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese
out of a pen, good uncle.
SHALLOW
Mistress Anne, my cousin loves
you.
SLENDER
Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman
in Gloucestershire.
SHALLOW
He will maintain you like a
gentlewoman.
SLENDER
Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under
the degree of a squire.
SHALLOW
He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds
jointure.
ANNE PAGE
Good Master Shallow, let him woo for
himself.
SHALLOW
Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that
good comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave
you.
ANNE PAGE
Now, Master Slender,--
SLENDER
Now, good Mistress Anne,--
ANNE PAGE
What is your will?
SLENDER
My will! 'od's heartlings, that's a pretty
jest indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven;
I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven
praise.
ANNE PAGE
I mean, Master Slender, what would you with
me?
SLENDER
Truly, for mine own part, I would little or
nothing with you. Your father and my uncle hath
made motions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man
be his dole! They can tell you how things go
better than I can: you may ask your father; here he
comes.
Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE
PAGE
Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter
Anne. Why, how now! what does Master Fenton
here? You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my
house: I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed
of.
FENTON
Nay, Master Page, be not
impatient.
MISTRESS PAGE
Good Master Fenton, come not to my
child.
PAGE
She is no match for you.
FENTON
Sir, will you hear me?
PAGE
No, good Master Fenton. Come,
Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in. Knowing my mind,
you wrong me, Master Fenton.
Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Speak to Mistress Page.
FENTON
Good Mistress Page, for that I love your
daughter In such a righteous fashion as I do, Perforce, against all cheques, rebukes and manners, I must advance the colours of my love And
not retire: let me have your good will.
ANNE PAGE
Good mother, do not marry me to yond
fool.
MISTRESS PAGE
I mean it not; I seek you a better
husband.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
That's my master, master
doctor.
ANNE PAGE
Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the
earth And bowl'd to death with
turnips!
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master
Fenton, I will not be your friend nor enemy: My daughter will I question how she loves you, And as I find her, so am I affected. Till
then farewell, sir: she must needs go in; Her father
will be angry.
FENTON
Farewell, gentle mistress: farewell, Nan.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ANNE PAGE
MISTRESS QUICKLY
This is my doing, now: 'Nay,' said I, 'will you
cast away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look
on Master Fenton:' this is my
doing.
FENTON
I thank thee; and I pray thee, once
to-night Give my sweet Nan this ring: there's for thy
pains.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Now heaven send thee good fortune!
Exit FENTON A kind heart he hath: a woman would
run through fire and water for such a kind heart. But
yet I would my master had Mistress Anne; or I
would Master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would
Master Fenton had her; I will do what I can for them
all three; for so I have promised, and I'll be as
good as my word; but speciously for Master Fenton.
Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff
from my two mistresses: what a beast am I to slack
it!
Exit
SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, I say,--
BARDOLPH
Here, sir.
FALSTAFF
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast
in't.
Exit BARDOLPH Have I lived to be carried in a
basket, like a barrow of butcher's offal, and to be
thrown in the Thames? Well, if I be served such another
trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and
give them to a dog for a new-year's gift. The
rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse
as they would have drowned a blind bitch's
puppies, fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my
size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if
the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I
had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy
and shallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water
swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when
I had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of
mummy.
Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack
BARDOLPH
Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with
you.
FALSTAFF
Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for
my belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs
for pills to cool the reins. Call her
in.
BARDOLPH
Come in, woman!
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
MISTRESS
QUICKLY
By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your
worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF
Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle
of sack finely.
BARDOLPH
With eggs, sir?
FALSTAFF
Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my
brewage.
Exit BARDOLPH How now!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress
Ford.
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was
thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of
ford.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Alas the day! good heart, that was not her
fault: she does so take on with her men; they mistook
their erection.
FALSTAFF
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's
promise.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would
yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes this
morning a-birding; she desires you once more to come to
her between eight and nine: I must carry her
word quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant
you.
FALSTAFF
Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid
her think what a man is: let her consider his
frailty, and then judge of my
merit.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I will tell her.
FALSTAFF
Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest
thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Eight and nine, sir.
FALSTAFF
Well, be gone: I will not miss
her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Peace be with you, sir.
Exit
FALSTAFF
I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me
word to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he
comes.
Enter FORD
FORD
Bless you, sir!
FALSTAFF
Now, master Brook, you come to know what hath
passed between me and Ford's wife?
FORD
That, indeed, Sir John, is my
business.
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at
her house the hour she appointed
me.
FORD
And sped you, sir?
FALSTAFF
Very ill-favoredly, Master
Brook.
FORD
How so, sir? Did she change her
determination?
FALSTAFF
No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto
her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a
continual 'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of
our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed,
protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our
comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions,
thither provoked and instigated by his distemper,
and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's
love.
FORD
What, while you were there?
FALSTAFF
While I was there.
FORD
And did he search for you, and could not find
you?
FALSTAFF
You shall hear. As good luck would have it,
comes in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of
Ford's approach; and, in her invention and Ford's
wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a
buck-basket.
FORD
A buck-basket!
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with
foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings,
greasy napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the
rankest compound of villanous smell that ever offended
nostril.
FORD
And how long lay you there?
FALSTAFF
Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I
have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your
good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of
Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by
their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes
to Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders;
met the jealous knave their master in the door,
who asked them once or twice what they had in
their basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic
knave would have searched it; but fate, ordaining
he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went
he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes.
But mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the
pangs of three several deaths; first, an
intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous
rotten bell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a
good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt
to point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped
in, like a strong distillation, with stinking
clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of
that,--a man of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as
subject to heat as butter; a man of continual
dissolution and thaw: it was a miracle to scape
suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was
more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to
be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing
hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think
of that,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master
Brook.
FORD
In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake
you have sufferd all this. My suit then is
desperate; you'll undertake her no
more?
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I
have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus.
Her husband is this morning gone a-birding: I
have received from her another embassy of meeting;
'twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master
Brook.
FORD
'Tis past eight already, sir.
FALSTAFF
Is it? I will then address me to my
appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and
you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall
be crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You
shall have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you
shall cuckold Ford.
Exit
FORD
Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do
I sleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master
Ford! there's a hole made in your best coat, Master
Ford. This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have
linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim
myself what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at
my house; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible
he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny
purse, nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil
that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame: if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me: I'll be horn-mad.
Exit
ACT IV
SCENE I. A street.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and WILLIAM PAGE
MISTRESS PAGE
Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st
thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sure he is by this, or will be presently:
but, truly, he is very courageous mad about his
throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to
come suddenly.
MISTRESS PAGE
I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my
young man here to school. Look, where his master
comes; 'tis a playing-day, I see.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS How now, Sir Hugh! no school
to-day?
SIR HUGH EVANS
No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to
play.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Blessing of his heart!
MISTRESS PAGE
Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing
in the world at his book. I pray you, ask him
some questions in his accidence.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Come hither, William; hold up your head;
come.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer
your master, be not afraid.
SIR HUGH EVANS
William, how many numbers is in
nouns?
WILLIAM PAGE
Two.
MISTRESS
QUICKLY
Truly, I thought there had been one number
more, because they say, ''Od's
nouns.'
SIR HUGH EVANS
Peace your tattlings! What is 'fair,'
William?
WILLIAM PAGE
Pulcher.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Polecats! there are fairer things than polecats,
sure.
SIR HUGH EVANS
You are a very simplicity 'oman: I pray you
peace. What is 'lapis,' William?
WILLIAM PAGE
A stone.
SIR
HUGH EVANS
And what is 'a stone,'
William?
WILLIAM PAGE
A pebble.
SIR
HUGH EVANS
No, it is 'lapis:' I pray you, remember in your
prain.
WILLIAM PAGE
Lapis.
SIR
HUGH EVANS
That is a good William. What is he, William,
that does lend articles?
WILLIAM PAGE
Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be
thus declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, haec,
hoc.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you,
mark: genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your accusative
case?
WILLIAM PAGE
Accusativo, hinc.
SIR HUGH EVANS
I pray you, have your remembrance, child, accusative, hung, hang, hog.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant
you.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the
focative case, William?
WILLIAM PAGE
O,--vocativo, O.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Remember, William; focative is
caret.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And that's a good root.
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Oman, forbear.
MISTRESS PAGE
Peace!
SIR
HUGH EVANS
What is your genitive case plural,
William?
WILLIAM PAGE
Genitive case!
SIR HUGH EVANS
Ay.
WILLIAM
PAGE
Genitive,--horum, harum,
horum.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Vengeance of Jenny's case! fie on her! never
name her, child, if she be a whore.
SIR HUGH EVANS
For shame, 'oman.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
You do ill to teach the child such words:
he teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll
do fast enough of themselves, and to call 'horum:' fie
upon you!
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no understandings for thy cases and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires.
MISTRESS
PAGE
Prithee, hold thy peace.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Show me now, William, some declensions of your
pronouns.
WILLIAM PAGE
Forsooth, I have forgot.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is qui, quae, quod: if you forget your
'quies,' your 'quaes,' and your 'quods,' you must
be preeches. Go your ways, and play;
go.
MISTRESS PAGE
He is a better scholar than I thought he
was.
SIR HUGH EVANS
He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress
Page.
MISTRESS PAGE
Adieu, good Sir Hugh.
Exit SIR HUGH EVANS Get you home, boy. Come, we
stay too long.
Exeunt
SCENE II. A room in FORD'S house.
Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up
my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your
love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth;
not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now?
MISTRESS FORD
He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE
[Within] What, ho, gossip Ford! what,
ho!
MISTRESS FORD
Step into the chamber, Sir John.
Exit FALSTAFF
Enter MISTRESS PAGE
MISTRESS
PAGE
How now, sweetheart! who's at home besides
yourself?
MISTRESS FORD
Why, none but mine own people.
MISTRESS PAGE
Indeed!
MISTRESS FORD
No, certainly.
Aside to her Speak louder.
MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody
here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why?
MISTRESS
PAGE
Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes
again: he so takes on yonder with my husband; so
rails against all married mankind; so curses all
Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever; and so
buffets himself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out,
peer out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed
but tameness, civility and patience, to this
his distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is
not here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, does he talk of him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Of none but him; and swears he was carried out,
the last time he searched for him, in a basket;
protests to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn
him and the rest of their company from their sport, to
make another experiment of his suspicion: but I am
glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own
foolery.
MISTRESS FORD
How near is he, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
Hard by; at street end; he will be here
anon.
MISTRESS FORD
I am undone! The knight is
here.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a
dead man. What a woman are you!--Away with him,
away with him! better shame than
murder.
FORD
Which way should be go? how should I bestow
him? Shall I put him into the basket again?
Re-enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF
No, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not
go out ere he come?
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the
door with pistols, that none shall issue out;
otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make
you here?
FALSTAFF
What shall I do? I'll creep up into the
chimney.
MISTRESS FORD
There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole.
FALSTAFF
Where is it?
MISTRESS FORD
He will seek there, on my word. Neither
press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath
an abstract for the remembrance of such places,
and goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in
the house.
FALSTAFF
I'll go out then.
MISTRESS PAGE
If you go out in your own semblance, you die,
Sir John. Unless you go out
disguised--
MISTRESS FORD
How might we disguise him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's
gown big enough for him otherwise he might put on a
hat, a muffler and a kerchief, and so
escape.
FALSTAFF
Good hearts, devise something: any extremity
rather than a mischief.
MISTRESS FORD
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has
a gown above.
MISTRESS PAGE
On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as
he is: and there's her thrummed hat and her
muffler too. Run up, Sir John.
MISTRESS FORD
Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I
will look some linen for your head.
MISTRESS PAGE
Quick, quick! we'll come dress you straight:
put on the gown the while.
Exit FALSTAFF
MISTRESS
FORD
I would my husband would meet him in this shape:
he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he
swears she's a witch; forbade her my house and
hath threatened to beat her.
MISTRESS PAGE
Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and
the devil guide his cudgel
afterwards!
MISTRESS FORD
But is my husband coming?
MISTRESS PAGE
Ah, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the
basket too, howsoever he hath had
intelligence.
MISTRESS FORD
We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry
the basket again, to meet him at the door with it,
as they did last time.
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress
him like the witch of Brentford.
MISTRESS FORD
I'll first direct my men what they shall do with
the basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him
straight.
Exit
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him
enough. We'll leave a proof, by that which we will
do, Wives may be merry, and yet honest too: We do not act that often jest and laugh; 'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff.
Exit
Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants
MISTRESS FORD
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your
shoulders: your master is hard at door; if he bid you
set it down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
Exit
First Servant
Come, come, take it up.
Second Servant
Pray heaven it be not full of knight
again.
First Servant
I hope not; I had as lief bear so much
lead.
Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH
EVANS
FORD
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you
any way then to unfool me again? Set down the
basket, villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a
basket! O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging,
a pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the
devil be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come
forth! Behold what honest clothes you send forth to
bleaching!
PAGE
Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to
go loose any longer; you must be
pinioned.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad
dog!
SHALLOW
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well,
indeed.
FORD
So say I too, sir.
Re-enter MISTRESS FORD Come hither, Mistress
Ford; Mistress Ford the honest woman, the modest wife,
the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to
her husband! I suspect without cause, mistress, do
I?
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me
in any dishonesty.
FORD
Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth,
sirrah!
Pulling clothes out of the basket
PAGE
This passes!
MISTRESS FORD
Are you not ashamed? let the clothes
alone.
FORD
I shall find you anon.
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your
wife's clothes? Come away.
FORD
Empty the basket, I say!
MISTRESS FORD
Why, man, why?
FORD
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one
conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket: why
may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he
is: my intelligence is true; my jealousy is
reasonable. Pluck me out all the
linen.
MISTRESS FORD
If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's
death.
PAGE
Here's no man.
SHALLOW
By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford;
this wrongs you.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow
the imaginations of your own heart: this is
jealousies.
FORD
Well, he's not here I seek
for.
PAGE
No, nor nowhere else but in your
brain.
FORD
Help to search my house this one time. If I
find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity;
let me for ever be your table-sport; let them say
of me, 'As jealous as Ford, Chat searched a
hollow walnut for his wife's leman.' Satisfy me once
more; once more search with me.
MISTRESS FORD
What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the old
woman down; my husband will come into the
chamber.
FORD
Old woman! what old woman's
that?
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, it is my maid's aunt of
Brentford.
FORD
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I
not forbid her my house? She comes of errands,
does she? We are simple men; we do not know
what's brought to pass under the profession
of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by
spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this is,
beyond our element we know nothing. Come down, you
witch, you hag, you; come down, I
say!
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, good, sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let
him not strike the old woman.
Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS
PAGE
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your
hand.
FORD
I'll prat her.
Beating him Out of my door, you witch, you hag,
you baggage, you polecat, you runyon! out, out! I'll
conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you.
Exit FALSTAFF
MISTRESS
PAGE
Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed
the poor woman.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for
you.
FORD
Hang her, witch!
SIR HUGH EVANS
By the yea and no, I think the 'oman is a
witch indeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great
peard; I spy a great peard under his
muffler.
FORD
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you,
follow; see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out
thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open
again.
PAGE
Let's obey his humour a little further:
come, gentlemen.
Exeunt FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH
EVANS
MISTRESS PAGE
Trust me, he beat him most
pitifully.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him
most unpitifully, methought.
MISTRESS PAGE
I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er
the altar; it hath done meritorious
service.
MISTRESS FORD
What think you? may we, with the warrant
of womanhood and the witness of a good
conscience, pursue him with any further
revenge?
MISTRESS PAGE
The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out
of him: if the devil have him not in fee-simple,
with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in
the way of waste, attempt us
again.
MISTRESS FORD
Shall we tell our husbands how we have served
him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husband's brains. If they
can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat
knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will
still be the ministers.
MISTRESS FORD
I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed:
and methinks there would be no period to the
jest, should he not be publicly
shamed.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, to the forge with it then; shape it: I
would not have things cool.
Exeunt
SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter Host and BARDOLPH
BARDOLPH
Sir, the Germans desire to have three of
your horses: the duke himself will be to-morrow
at court, and they are going to meet
him.
Host
What duke should that be comes so secretly? I
hear not of him in the court. Let me speak with
the gentlemen: they speak English?
BARDOLPH
Ay, sir; I'll call them to you.
Host
They shall have my horses; but I'll make them
pay; I'll sauce them: they have had my house a week
at command; I have turned away my other guests:
they must come off; I'll sauce them. Come.
Exeunt
SCENE IV. A room in FORD'S house.
Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and SIR HUGH
EVANS
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'oman as
ever I did look upon.
PAGE
And did he send you both these letters at an
instant?
MISTRESS PAGE
Within a quarter of an hour.
FORD
Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou
wilt; I rather will suspect the sun with cold Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand In him that was of late an heretic, As firm as
faith.
PAGE
'Tis well, 'tis well; no more: Be not as extreme in submission As in
offence. But let our plot go forward: let our
wives Yet once again, to make us public sport, Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow, Where we may take him and disgrace him for
it.
FORD
There is no better way than that they spoke
of.
PAGE
How? to send him word they'll meet him in the
park at midnight? Fie, fie! he'll never
come.
SIR HUGH EVANS
You say he has been thrown in the rivers and
has been grievously peaten as an old 'oman:
methinks there should be terrors in him that he should
not come; methinks his flesh is punished, he shall
have no desires.
PAGE
So think I too.
MISTRESS FORD
Devise but how you'll use him when he
comes, And let us two devise to bring him
thither.
MISTRESS PAGE
There is an old tale goes that Herne the
hunter, Sometime a keeper here in Windsor
forest, Doth all the winter-time, at still
midnight, Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd
horns; And there he blasts the tree and takes the
cattle And makes milch-kine yield blood and shakes a
chain In a most hideous and dreadful manner: You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know The superstitious idle-headed eld Received
and did deliver to our age This tale of Herne the hunter
for a truth.
PAGE
Why, yet there want not many that do fear In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak: But what of this?
MISTRESS
FORD
Marry, this is our device; That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.
PAGE
Well, let it not be doubted but he'll
come: And in this shape when you have brought him
thither, What shall be done with him? what is your
plot?
MISTRESS PAGE
That likewise have we thought upon, and
thus: Nan Page my daughter and my little son And three or four more of their growth we'll dress Like urchins, ouphes and fairies, green and white, With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads, And rattles in their hands: upon a sudden, As Falstaff, she and I, are newly met, Let
them from forth a sawpit rush at once With some diffused
song: upon their sight, We two in great amazedness will
fly: Then let them all encircle him about And, fairy-like, to-pinch the unclean knight, And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel, In their so sacred paths he dares to tread In shape profane.
MISTRESS
FORD
And till he tell the truth, Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound And
burn him with their tapers.
MISTRESS
PAGE
The truth being known, We'll
all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit, And mock him
home to Windsor.
FORD
The children must Be
practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't.
SIR HUGH EVANS
I will teach the children their behaviors; and
I will be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn
the knight with my taber.
FORD
That will be excellent. I'll go and buy them
vizards.
MISTRESS PAGE
My Nan shall be the queen of all the
fairies, Finely attired in a robe of
white.
PAGE
That silk will I go buy.
Aside And in that time Shall
Master Slender steal my Nan away And marry her at Eton.
Go send to Falstaff straight.
FORD
Nay I'll to him again in name of Brook He'll tell me all his purpose: sure, he'll
come.
MISTRESS PAGE
Fear not you that. Go get us properties And tricking for our fairies.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Let us about it: it is admirable pleasures and
fery honest knaveries.
Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS
MISTRESS PAGE
Go, Mistress Ford, Send
quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.
Exit MISTRESS FORD I'll to the doctor: he hath my
good will, And none but he, to marry with Nan
Page. That Slender, though well landed, is an
idiot; And he my husband best of all affects. The doctor is well money'd, and his friends Potent at court: he, none but he, shall have her, Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.
Exit
SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter Host and SIMPLE
Host
What wouldst thou have, boor? what:
thick-skin? speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick,
snap.
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John
Falstaff from Master Slender.
Host
There's his chamber, his house, his castle,
his standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted
about with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new.
Go knock and call; hell speak like an
Anthropophaginian unto thee: knock, I
say.
SIMPLE
There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into
his chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she
come down; I come to speak with her,
indeed.
Host
Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed:
I'll call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak
from thy lungs military: art thou there? it is
thine host, thine Ephesian, calls.
FALSTAFF
[Above] How now, mine host!
Host
Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down
of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let
her descend; my chambers are honourable: fie!
privacy? fie!
Enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF
There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now
with me; but she's gone.
SIMPLE
Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman
of Brentford?
FALSTAFF
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you
with her?
SIMPLE
My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her,
seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir,
whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had
the chain or no.
FALSTAFF
I spake with the old woman about
it.
SIMPLE
And what says she, I pray,
sir?
FALSTAFF
Marry, she says that the very same man
that beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him
of it.
SIMPLE
I would I could have spoken with the woman
herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too
from him.
FALSTAFF
What are they? let us know.
Host
Ay, come; quick.
SIMPLE
I may not conceal them, sir.
Host
Conceal them, or thou diest.
SIMPLE
Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress
Anne Page; to know if it were my master's fortune
to have her or no.
FALSTAFF
'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
SIMPLE
What, sir?
FALSTAFF
To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me
so.
SIMPLE
May I be bold to say so, sir?
FALSTAFF
Ay, sir; like who more bold.
SIMPLE
I thank your worship: I shall make my master
glad with these tidings.
Exit
Host
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John.
Was there a wise woman with thee?
FALSTAFF
Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath
taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my
life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid
for my learning.
Enter BARDOLPH
BARDOLPH
Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere
cozenage!
Host
Where be my horses? speak well of them,
varletto.
BARDOLPH
Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I
came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one
of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and
away, like three German devils, three Doctor
Faustuses.
Host
They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do
not say they be fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS
SIR HUGH
EVANS
Where is mine host?
Host
What is the matter, sir?
SIR HUGH EVANS
Have a care of your entertainments: there is
a friend of mine come to town tells me there is
three cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts
of Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses
and money. I tell you for good will, look you:
you are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks,
and 'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you
well.
Exit
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
DOCTOR
CAIUS
Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
Host
Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
dilemma.
DOCTOR CAIUS
I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me
dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany:
by my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know
to come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.
Exit
Host
Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I
am undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am
undone!
Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
I would all the world might be cozened; for I
have been cozened and beaten too. If it should come
to the ear of the court, how I have been
transformed and how my transformation hath been washed
and cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop
by drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I
warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I
were as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never
prospered since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if
my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would
repent.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY Now, whence come
you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
From the two parties,
forsooth.
FALSTAFF
The devil take one party and his dam the other!
and so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered
more for their sakes, more than the villanous
inconstancy of man's disposition is able to
bear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And have not they suffered? Yes, I
warrant; speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good
heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see
a white spot about her.
FALSTAFF
What tellest thou me of black and blue? I
was beaten myself into all the colours of the
rainbow; and I was like to be apprehended for the witch
of Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of
wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old
woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me i'
the stocks, i' the common stocks, for a
witch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber:
you shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to
your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat.
Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you
together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well,
that you are so crossed.
FALSTAFF
Come up into my chamber.
Exeunt
SCENE VI. Another room in the Garter Inn.
Enter FENTON and Host
Host
Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy:
I will give over all.
FENTON
Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my
purpose, And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give
thee A hundred pound in gold more than your
loss.
Host
I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will at
the least keep your counsel.
FENTON
From time to time I have acquainted you With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page; Who mutually hath answer'd my affection, So
far forth as herself might be her chooser, Even to my
wish: I have a letter from her Of such contents as you
will wonder at; The mirth whereof so larded with my
matter, That neither singly can be manifested, Without the show of both; fat Falstaff Hath
a great scene: the image of the jest I'll show you here
at large. Hark, good mine host. To-night at Herne's oak,
just 'twixt twelve and one, Must my sweet Nan present
the Fairy Queen; The purpose why, is here: in which
disguise, While other jests are something rank on
foot, Her father hath commanded her to slip Away with Slender and with him at Eton Immediately to marry: she hath consented: Now, sir, Her mother, ever strong against that match And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed That he shall likewise shuffle her away, While other sports are tasking of their minds, And at the deanery, where a priest attends, Straight marry her: to this her mother's plot She seemingly obedient likewise hath Made
promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests: Her father
means she shall be all in white, And in that habit, when
Slender sees his time To take her by the hand and bid
her go, She shall go with him: her mother hath
intended, The better to denote her to the
doctor, For they must all be mask'd and
vizarded, That quaint in green she shall be loose
enrobed, With ribands pendent, flaring 'bout her
head; And when the doctor spies his vantage
ripe, To pinch her by the hand, and, on that
token, The maid hath given consent to go with
him.
Host
Which means she to deceive, father or
mother?
FENTON
Both, my good host, to go along with me: And here it rests, that you'll procure the vicar To stay for me at church 'twixt twelve and one, And, in the lawful name of marrying, To give
our hearts united ceremony.
Host
Well, husband your device; I'll to the
vicar: Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a
priest.
FENTON
So shall I evermore be bound to thee; Besides, I'll make a present recompense.
Exeunt
ACT V
SCENE I. A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY
FALSTAFF
Prithee, no more prattling; go. I'll hold. This
is the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers. Away I go. They say there is divinity in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death.
Away!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I'll provide you a chain; and I'll do what I can
to get you a pair of horns.
FALSTAFF
Away, I say; time wears: hold up your head, and
mince.
Exit MISTRESS QUICKLY
Enter FORD How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the
matter will be known to-night, or never. Be you in
the Park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you
shall see wonders.
FORD
Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told
me you had appointed?
FALSTAFF
I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a
poor old man: but I came from her, Master Brook, like
a poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her
husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in
him, Master Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will
tell you: he beat me grievously, in the shape of
a woman; for in the shape of man, Master Brook, I
fear not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because I
know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go
along with me: I'll tell you all, Master Brook. Since
I plucked geese, played truant and whipped top, I
knew not what 'twas to be beaten till lately.
Follow me: I'll tell you strange things of this
knave Ford, on whom to-night I will be revenged, and
I will deliver his wife into your hand.
Follow. Strange things in hand, Master Brook!
Follow.
Exeunt
SCENE II. Windsor Park.
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
PAGE
Come, come; we'll couch i' the castle-ditch till
we see the light of our fairies. Remember, son
Slender, my daughter.
SLENDER
Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her and we have
a nay-word how to know one another: I come to her
in white, and cry 'mum;' she cries 'budget;' and
by that we know one another.
SHALLOW
That's good too: but what needs either your
'mum' or her 'budget?' the white will decipher her
well enough. It hath struck ten
o'clock.
PAGE
The night is dark; light and spirits will become
it well. Heaven prosper our sport! No man means
evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his
horns. Let's away; follow me.
Exeunt
SCENE III. A street leading to the Park.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and DOCTOR CAIUS
MISTRESS PAGE
Master doctor, my daughter is in green: when
you see your time, take her by the band, away with
her to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go
before into the Park: we two must go
together.
DOCTOR CAIUS
I know vat I have to do. Adieu.
MISTRESS PAGE
Fare you well, sir.
Exit DOCTOR CAIUS My husband will not rejoice so
much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will chafe at the
doctor's marrying my daughter: but 'tis no matter; better
a little chiding than a great deal of
heart-break.
MISTRESS FORD
Where is Nan now and her troop of fairies, and
the Welsh devil Hugh?
MISTRESS PAGE
They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne's
oak, with obscured lights; which, at the very instant
of Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at
once display to the night.
MISTRESS FORD
That cannot choose but amaze
him.
MISTRESS PAGE
If he be not amazed, he will be mocked; if he
be amazed, he will every way be
mocked.
MISTRESS FORD
We'll betray him finely.
MISTRESS PAGE
Against such lewdsters and their lechery Those that betray them do no treachery.
MISTRESS FORD
The hour draws on. To the oak, to the oak!
Exeunt
SCENE IV. Windsor Park.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS, disguised, with others as Fairies
SIR HUGH EVANS
Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember your
parts: be pold, I pray you; follow me into the pit;
and when I give the watch-'ords, do as I pid
you: come, come; trib, trib.
Exeunt
SCENE V. Another part of the Park.
Enter FALSTAFF disguised as Herne
FALSTAFF
The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the
minute draws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods assist
me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa;
love set on thy horns. O powerful love! that, in
some respects, makes a beast a man, in some other, a
man a beast. You were also, Jupiter, a swan for the
love of Leda. O omnipotent Love! how near the god
drew to the complexion of a goose! A fault done first
in the form of a beast. O Jove, a beastly fault!
And then another fault in the semblance of a fowl;
think on 't, Jove; a foul fault! When gods have
hot backs, what shall poor men do? For me, I am here
a Windsor stag; and the fattest, I think, i'
the forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who
can blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here?
my doe?
Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE
MISTRESS FORD
Sir John! art thou there, my deer? my male
deer?
FALSTAFF
My doe with the black scut! Let the sky
rain potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of
Green Sleeves, hail kissing-comfits and snow eringoes;
let there come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter
me here.
MISTRESS FORD
Mistress Page is come with me,
sweetheart.
FALSTAFF
Divide me like a bribe buck, each a haunch: I
will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the
fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your
husbands. Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the
hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience; he
makes restitution. As I am a true spirit,
welcome!
Noise within
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas, what noise?
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven forgive our sins
FALSTAFF
What should this be?
MISTRESS FORD MISTRESS PAGE
Away, away!
They run off
FALSTAFF
I think the devil will not have me damned, lest
the oil that's in me should set hell on fire; he
would never else cross me thus.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS, disguised as before; PISTOL, as Hobgoblin;
MISTRESS QUICKLY, ANNE PAGE, and others, as Fairies, with
tapers
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Fairies, black, grey, green, and white, You moonshine revellers and shades of night, You orphan heirs of fixed destiny, Attend
your office and your quality. Crier Hobgoblin, make the
fairy oyes.
PISTOL
Elves, list your names; silence, you airy
toys. Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou
leap: Where fires thou find'st unraked and hearths
unswept, There pinch the maids as blue as
bilberry: Our radiant queen hates sluts and
sluttery.
FALSTAFF
They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall
die: I'll wink and couch: no man their works must
eye.
Lies down upon his face
SIR HUGH
EVANS
Where's Bede? Go you, and where you find a
maid That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers
said, Raise up the organs of her fantasy; Sleep she as sound as careless infancy: But
those as sleep and think not on their sins, Pinch them,
arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides and shins.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
About, about; Search Windsor
Castle, elves, within and out: Strew good luck, ouphes,
on every sacred room: That it may stand till the
perpetual doom, In state as wholesome as in state 'tis
fit, Worthy the owner, and the owner it. The several chairs of order look you scour With juice of balm and every precious flower: Each fair instalment, coat, and several crest, With loyal blazon, evermore be blest! And
nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing, Like to the
Garter's compass, in a ring: The expressure that it
bears, green let it be, More fertile-fresh than all the
field to see; And 'Honi soit qui mal y pense'
write In emerald tufts, flowers purple, blue and
white; Let sapphire, pearl and rich
embroidery, Buckled below fair knighthood's bending
knee: Fairies use flowers for their
charactery. Away; disperse: but till 'tis one
o'clock, Our dance of custom round about the
oak Of Herne the hunter, let us not
forget.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order
set And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns
be, To guide our measure round about the tree. But, stay; I smell a man of middle-earth.
FALSTAFF
Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest
he transform me to a piece of
cheese!
PISTOL
Vile worm, thou wast o'erlook'd even in thy
birth.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
With trial-fire touch me his finger-end: If he be chaste, the flame will back descend And turn him to no pain; but if he start, It
is the flesh of a corrupted heart.
PISTOL
A trial, come.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Come, will this wood take fire?
They burn him with their tapers
FALSTAFF
Oh, Oh, Oh!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire! About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme; And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time. SONG. Fie on sinful fantasy! Fie on lust and luxury! Lust is but a bloody
fire, Kindled with unchaste desire, Fed in heart, whose flames aspire As
thoughts do blow them, higher and higher. Pinch him,
fairies, mutually; Pinch him for his villany; Pinch him, and burn him, and turn him about, Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out.
During this song they pinch FALSTAFF. DOCTOR CAIUS comes one way, and
steals away a boy in green; SLENDER another way, and takes off a boy in white;
and FENTON comes and steals away ANN PAGE. A noise of hunting is heard within.
All the Fairies run away. FALSTAFF pulls off his buck's head, and
rises
Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, and MISTRESS FORD
PAGE
Nay, do not fly; I think we have watch'd you
now Will none but Herne the hunter serve your
turn?
MISTRESS PAGE
I pray you, come, hold up the jest no
higher Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor
wives? See you these, husband? do not these fair
yokes Become the forest better than the
town?
FORD
Now, sir, who's a cuckold now? Master
Brook, Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are
his horns, Master Brook: and, Master Brook, he
hath enjoyed nothing of Ford's but his buck-basket,
his cudgel, and twenty pounds of money, which must
be paid to Master Brook; his horses are arrested
for it, Master Brook.
MISTRESS FORD
Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never
meet. I will never take you for my love again; but I
will always count you my deer.
FALSTAFF
I do begin to perceive that I am made an
ass.
FORD
Ay, and an ox too: both the proofs are
extant.
FALSTAFF
And these are not fairies? I was three or
four times in the thought they were not fairies: and
yet the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of
my powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into
a received belief, in despite of the teeth of
all rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See
now how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent, when 'tis
upon ill employment!
SIR HUGH EVANS
Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave
your desires, and fairies will not pinse
you.
FORD
Well said, fairy Hugh.
SIR HUGH EVANS
And leave your jealousies too, I pray
you.
FORD
I will never mistrust my wife again till thou
art able to woo her in good
English.
FALSTAFF
Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it,
that it wants matter to prevent so gross o'erreaching
as this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? shall
I have a coxcomb of frize? 'Tis time I were
choked with a piece of toasted
cheese.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Seese is not good to give putter; your belly is
all putter.
FALSTAFF
'Seese' and 'putter'! have I lived to stand at
the taunt of one that makes fritters of English?
This is enough to be the decay of lust and
late-walking through the realm.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why Sir John, do you think, though we would have
the virtue out of our hearts by the head and
shoulders and have given ourselves without scruple to
hell, that ever the devil could have made you our
delight?
FORD
What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of
flax?
MISTRESS PAGE
A puffed man?
PAGE
Old, cold, withered and of intolerable
entrails?
FORD
And one that is as slanderous as
Satan?
PAGE
And as poor as Job?
FORD
And as wicked as his wife?
SIR HUGH EVANS
And given to fornications, and to taverns and
sack and wine and metheglins, and to drinkings
and swearings and starings, pribbles and
prabbles?
FALSTAFF
Well, I am your theme: you have the start of me;
I am dejected; I am not able to answer the
Welsh flannel; ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me:
use me as you will.
FORD
Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to
one Master Brook, that you have cozened of money,
to whom you should have been a pander: over and
above that you have suffered, I think to repay that
money will be a biting affliction.
PAGE
Yet be cheerful, knight: thou shalt eat a
posset to-night at my house; where I will desire thee
to laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee: tell
her Master Slender hath married her
daughter.
MISTRESS PAGE
[Aside] Doctors doubt that: if Anne Page be
my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius'
wife.
Enter SLENDER
SLENDER
Whoa ho! ho, father Page!
PAGE
Son, how now! how now, son! have you
dispatched?
SLENDER
Dispatched! I'll make the best in
Gloucestershire know on't; would I were hanged, la,
else.
PAGE
Of what, son?
SLENDER
I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne
Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not
been i' the church, I would have swinged him, or
he should have swinged me. If I did not think it
had been Anne Page, would I might never stir!--and
'tis a postmaster's boy.
PAGE
Upon my life, then, you took the
wrong.
SLENDER
What need you tell me that? I think so, when I
took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him,
for all he was in woman's apparel, I would not have
had him.
PAGE
Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you
how you should know my daughter by her
garments?
SLENDER
I went to her in white, and cried 'mum,' and
she cried 'budget,' as Anne and I had appointed; and
yet it was not Anne, but a postmaster's
boy.
MISTRESS PAGE
Good George, be not angry: I knew of your
purpose; turned my daughter into green; and, indeed,
she is now with the doctor at the deanery, and there
married.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
DOCTOR
CAIUS
Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened: I
ha' married un garcon, a boy; un paysan, by gar, a
boy; it is not Anne Page: by gar, I am
cozened.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why, did you take her in
green?
DOCTOR CAIUS
Ay, by gar, and 'tis a boy: by gar, I'll raise all
Windsor.
Exit
FORD
This is strange. Who hath got the right
Anne?
PAGE
My heart misgives me: here comes Master
Fenton.
Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE How now, Master
Fenton!
ANNE PAGE
Pardon, good father! good my mother,
pardon!
PAGE
Now, mistress, how chance you went not with Master
Slender?
MISTRESS PAGE
Why went you not with master doctor,
maid?
FENTON
You do amaze her: hear the truth of it. You would have married her most shamefully, Where there was no proportion held in love. The truth is, she and I, long since contracted, Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us. The offence is holy that she hath committed; And this deceit loses the name of craft, Of disobedience, or unduteous title, Since
therein she doth evitate and shun A thousand
irreligious cursed hours, Which forced marriage would
have brought upon her.
FORD
Stand not amazed; here is no remedy: In love the heavens themselves do guide the state; Money buys lands, and wives are sold by
fate.
FALSTAFF
I am glad, though you have ta'en a special stand
to strike at me, that your arrow hath
glanced.
PAGE
Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee
joy! What cannot be eschew'd must be
embraced.
FALSTAFF
When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are
chased.
MISTRESS PAGE
Well, I will muse no further. Master
Fenton, Heaven give you many, many merry
days! Good husband, let us every one go home, And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire; Sir John and all.
FORD
Let it be so. Sir John, To
Master Brook you yet shall hold your word For he
tonight shall lie with Mistress Ford.
Exeunt
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